How can you explain the devestaing loss of not one, but two tiny babies?
When will it get better?
Oct 12 2011 has so far been the worst day of my life, the day my daughter went into early labor and had to deliver her preterm twins. Too early to survive, they were born at 20 weeks into loving arms, then on Oct 29th their ashes were scattered in a beautiful lake in the Cascade mountains.
There's not a day that comes and goes that I don't think of them, think of her.
I have never myself had a child loss. I was fortunate to have had 2 easy pregancies and births. Losing these 2 grandchildren is overwhelming on SO many different levels.
First the horrible and frightening experience itself of being there during the labor/delivery knowing there was nothing that could be done to prevent the outcome. Helpless to ease my daughter's fear and suffering. The pain of watching her go through a delivery knowing she would be leaving the hospital without the two children she loved and tried so hard to conceive.
Second of course is the huge loss of what could have/would have been. Twins! We were so looking forward to twins! Just the previous couple of weeks we had been shopping together, and she was beginning to feel confident enough to start buying things for the nursery. Crib, 2 car seats, changing table, linens, clothes. We'll never know what these 2 precious lives would have become. They won't be sharing the holidays with us this year. I have one grandson already, and he has been the best thing ever! I love being a grandmother! Not having these 2 babies to watch grow is an unspeakable loss.
Feeling the baby loss is huge, and feeling the hurt for my daughter as her mother is HUGE too. I feel like it's a double whammy. Those of you that are parents know that you would do anything to prevent your children from going through this sort of pain. We know it's just not possible all of the time.
Why am I posting this now?
I'm not really sure. It's been 2 months today. Is it any easier? Not much. Maybe because it's December and it's hard to get into the holiday spirit. Things I usually enjoy doing don't get me excited this year. I was looking forward to having Christmas with the family and her being 28 weeks pregnant.
You'd think a person would run out of tears by now. I'm here to tell you, it's not so.
I found this poem on someone's blog and thought it expressed what I am feeling:
If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.
My blog is titled "Inspirations". This is not my usual post, and not really "inspirational" but it's my blog and I can post what I want:)
For any of you that have suffered similar loss....my heart goes out to you.
These 2 little angles will be hanging on my tree this year, in loving memory of Michael and Alena.
I really admire my daughter for putting one foot in front of the other every day, and doing her best to heal and recover. I know how I feel on a daily basis, I can only imagine how she has been shaken to the core.
Thanks so much for stopping by......Sylvia Share