12.12.2011

Missing the babies

What is it like to be the grandmother who loses her grandchildren?
How can you explain the devestaing loss of not one, but two tiny babies?
When will it get better?

Oct 12 2011 has so far been the worst day of my life, the day my daughter went into early labor and had to deliver her preterm twins. Too early to survive, they were born at 20 weeks into loving arms,  then on Oct 29th their ashes were scattered in a beautiful lake in the Cascade mountains.

There's not a day that comes and goes that I don't think of them, think of her.
I have never myself had a child loss. I was fortunate to have had 2 easy pregancies and births. Losing these 2 grandchildren is overwhelming on SO many different levels.
First the horrible and frightening experience itself of being there during the labor/delivery knowing there was nothing that could be done to prevent the outcome. Helpless to ease my daughter's fear and suffering. The pain of watching her go through a delivery knowing she would be leaving the hospital without the two children she loved and tried so hard to conceive.

Second of course is the huge loss of what could have/would have been. Twins! We were so looking forward to twins! Just the previous couple of weeks we had been shopping together, and she was beginning to feel confident enough to start buying things for the nursery. Crib, 2 car seats, changing table, linens, clothes. We'll never know what these 2 precious lives would have become. They won't be sharing the holidays with us this year. I have one grandson already, and he has been the best thing ever! I love being a grandmother!  Not having these 2 babies to watch grow is an unspeakable loss.

Feeling the baby loss is huge, and feeling the hurt for my daughter as her mother is HUGE too. I feel like it's a double whammy. Those of you that are parents know that you would do anything to prevent your children from going through this sort of pain. We know it's just not possible all of the time.

Why am I posting this now?
I'm not really sure. It's been 2 months today. Is it any easier? Not much.  Maybe because it's December and it's hard to get into the holiday spirit. Things I usually enjoy doing don't get me excited this year. I was looking forward to having Christmas with the family and her being 28 weeks pregnant.

You'd think a person would run out of tears by now. I'm here to tell you, it's not so.

I found this poem on someone's blog and thought it expressed what I am feeling:

 If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.
(Unknown)

My blog is titled "Inspirations". This is not my usual post, and not really "inspirational"  but it's my blog and I can post what I want:)
For any of you that have suffered similar loss....my heart goes out to you.

These 2 little angles will be hanging on my tree this year, in loving memory of Michael and Alena.

I really admire my daughter for putting one foot in front of the other every day, and doing her best to heal and recover. I know how I feel on a daily basis, I can only imagine how she has been shaken to the core.


Thanks so much for stopping by......Sylvia Share

12 comments:

  1. wow... I am so sorry for your loss and your daughter as well. No words will heal your pain but i wish such strength for all of you xx Catara

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  2. im so very sorry for your loss,i couldnt help to be over whelmd by this as i have just gave birth to two very healthy twin girls 5 months ago...im watching them grow everyday knowing how different this could have turned out....i watched my sister carry twins a few years ago and she loss them both about the same time ...this has been very hard for her to watch but at the same time im sure it brings some joy.........peace be the journey...i hope it heals some in time....

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  3. My heart goes out to you and your daughter... All of my best to her while she recovers, one day at a time.

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  4. Many hugs and many prayers. It has been 8 years since the loss of my grandson and it never gets easy and the tears still flow!

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  5. The loss of darling little ones has such an impact on all those close - what a terrible time for you all - love and thoughts to you and your family xx

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  6. Thank you mom. You really do get it better than anyone it seems. Thank you for not forgetting or ignoring the loss of the babies.
    Love you.

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  7. My hugs and thoughts to you and your daughter. I had no idea, Sylvia ... you are so strong. I will keep you all in my thoughts and I hope that you are met with peace in this season, and the comfort that your angels know that you will never forget them. What a beautiful post, thank you for sharing their spirits with us.

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  8. I know there aren't words to heal your hearts or in any way make up for the loss of your little ones.

    I hope this helps in some way, if for nothing else than to serve as prayer when everything in you is at a loss to have the words:
    "1 I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up,
    And have not let my enemies rejoice over me.
    2 O LORD my God,
    I cried to You for help, and You healed me...
    10 “Hear, O LORD, and be gracious to me;
    O LORD, be my helper.”
    11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
    You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
    12 That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.
    O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever." Psalm 30

    I know you won't ever forget or stop yearning for those precious babies, but I do hope you all find peace to make it through the days. <3

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  9. Wonderful!
    Look as if they were sitting in the clouds

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  10. Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. You, your daughter, and her babies are in my thought and prayers.

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  11. To answer your question, it never gets easy. Even with time. We move on with our every day lives, but every once in a while someone or something or some holiday will make you think of your loss. I also lost a baby grandson 2 years ago at 38 weeks. My son & daughter in law called in the middle of the night & we ran up to the hospital. My grandson (named Wade) had died inside her womb. She had to go through delivery knowing the outcome. We had to plan a funeral in the coming days. How do you plan a grandchild's funeral? This was not her first child. She has 3 others. Why "god" chose our little angel is only known to him. All we can do is be there for our children. Talk about it with them. Make them feel like this was real. Not talking about it, honestly makes it worse. My daughter in law is also a photographer & now volunteers at the hospital to go in & take bw photos for other parents who have lost their little angel(s). She says, this helps her heal. And the connection she has on a more personal level I feel helps the parents.
    I am so sorry for both you & your daughter's loss. Talk about them!! Keep your faith close.

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  12. I am overwhelmed, and so grateful I stumbled upon your blog. It's been 4 years since we lost ours. She was my first grandchild. Her life ended before she was delivered. No one seems to understand, they think I should not be so sensitive, so I don't talk about it anymore. Two more children have been born since then, both are healthy and beautiful, but my heart still aches when I hear her name. Thank you so much for posting and sharing. I asked for strength and understanding and not 10 minutes later I just happened to click on your blog - first time ever. You are now bookmarked & I will stop and visit once in a while. Thank you again. God bless and keep you all.

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